What to say… i guess I’ll begin with Thursday when my dearest Whitney came to visit me for the weekend! What an ongoing blessing she is to me! I still cannot get over how she was divinely put in my life, theres no question that it was God’s hand. (it’s a cute story, I feel like we’re dating when I tell it!) From day one its been true fellowship, so it was so refreshing to see her. We had a lot of fun and good talks. : D We also went to this womens conference at my church and it definitely was a women’s conference! Let me tell you, I could feel the estrogen! For example, they started off by making jokes about mammograms and chocolate…what I have to look forward to as a woman! It was amazing though, I’m super inspired to memorize scripture now, and by chapters not just scattered verses like I’ve been doing so I can get the context. The main speaker has 14 books and over 100 chapters memorized! She started by reciting (very enthusiastically) Ephesians to us and later 2 peter 1. We were like, dang!!!
If God calls us to mediate on His word day and night and hide it in our hearts, is reading it really that? I’m really convicted now- I think the process of memorizing is very instrumental in hiding His word in my heart.
It was so good to have fellowship with Whitney, I’ll tell you, being a servant of Jesus can be a lonely place in this world, but I guess that’s a good sign right? Anyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted… so if I wasn’t feeling the tension then I’d have to question if I was really living it. Its been hard for me to find fellowship lately but God has really been teaching me about reliance and where joy (not happiness) is really found.
Life isn’t about having fun. Its not about having this wonderful, fun group of Christian friends that fellowship all the time and have fun together all the time. Even though I feel like I want that sometimes, I’d much rather be in the place that I am when I really think about it (but that’s when I think about it! :D ). I don’t have that circle surrounding me 24/7 and I don’t have this perfect Christian family. I know that through these trials I have the opportunity to grow. Some people are blessed with a circle of friends like that but that is a blessing. In no way am I discounting the people God has placed in my life, whom I do have rich fellowship with. Being back at home is just different, I don’t see these people as much.
I am just learning (again) that God does not owe me friends, and definitely not friends like this, it is not one of His promises to His children. His grace is more than enough for me, He is more than enough for me, yes I sing the song but now I am being challenged to live it. Right now God has placed my friends in places where I cannot rely on them too much. Honestly, I am a very independent person. I am usually the one people cling to. I can count on one hand the people that actually ask how I am and listen, it’s a rarity that I talk about myself. its just how God wired me up, but we all rely on friends to some extent and that’s okay! God gives us that blessing. I find that right now God is removing me from this type of “normal” reliance so that I can rely on Him that much more. I am really having to be poured into by God and not others FIRST. Instead of going to whomever when I’m discouraged its been God FIRST, to His word to see who I really am, to see my significance, to see the importance of how others view me (there is none).
I hate how I have put God in a box. I hate the Christian sub-culture sometimes! for instance, doing your ”devotions” or “quiet times”…they will not satisfy the inner longings of our souls. Well at least when they become ritualistic and centered around just learning about God and not knowing Him more deeply. God is not pleased or appeased by doing good things unless it is the result of our loving Him. Its about seeking His face and sitting at His feet and walking with Him hand in hand, moment by moment. Being a Christian is not defined by doing your devos, not drinking or smoking, and listening to Christian music. I hate how Christianity has become just another subculture. Look at all the things that are marketed towards us. Its like being a soccer player or Lord of the Rings fan. Its like being in any club where you mimick others actions, clothes and desires to attain a similar goal so that you can fit in or belong. While being in God’s family does bring belonging and unity, its not the reason we are a family. We have lost sight of our precious jewel, the one we were supposed to have sold all we have for.
God is so patient with us. He is not surprised when we disobey Him, but He longs for us to seek His face, to press on towards holiness and to not get stuck in our sin. We are free from the bondage of sin and yet we sit in our jail cell with the keys in our hand. He has given us the power, has He not? The SAME Spirit that raised Christ from the dead lives in me!? And I did what again? I thought what again? God’s grace really is absolutely amazing, but that is definitely not a reason to keep on sinning! Why is grace thought of as basic or elementary? It is what has brought us near and it is what sustains us. It really is more than enough for me, His power really is made perfect in my weakness. Why do I not revel in it, why do I have other idols and reliances that rise up all too close to His throne? I know this but there is absolutely no benefit in knowing without living. I guess that’s why God is testing me right now!
My desire is that I would be broken over my sin, that I would see the severity of it everyday. The root of all sin is self. If “I” and “my way” and my happiness would not matter so much to me anymore, I could only imagine how my relationship with the Lord would take off. I will never arrive I know, but I am still running! God forgive His children for becoming self-righteous and “meh” about His forgiveness and amazing grace. I really believe that the more broken I am over my sin daily, the more I will be in communion with Him. Is it not my sin that separates me from Him? If I do not see myself in right relation to God, which is directly related to my sin, how can i possibly know Him more? Its not enough to just know this and repent periodically, it must be minute by minute. That’s how we go from starting the day off with Him and five hours later going, “where did He go?” When we sin and don’t repent, we loose our fellowship with Him. We’ve got to realize the seriousness of our sin! It separates us from His sweet presence and from pleasing Him when we live by the sinful nature. How else can I press on towards the goal of holiness? This is why I am here, this is why I was created, to know Him and become more like Him. This world is so temporary, all the politics, unnecessary things… I’m rambling! That is the thought(s) of the day, God has been teaching me a lot lately! I’m done writing! (after this cool story, I promise!)
So, cool story of the day (that totally fired up my faith): So, me and whit went up to lake Geneva for the afternoon before I dropped her off at Church Camp. We were walking along the water, when a cute old man pulled us aside and gave us a little flier. He said that something like it had changed his life when he was about our age. Once we realized it had Bible verses on it, we told him that we knew Jesus and he just smiled and walked on. He was handing them out to everyone. Once we sat down, we observed how most people laughed or threw them out as soon as they realized what it was. We were like, why don’t we go talk to them? We ended up talking to some people and the talk with a guy named mike was definitely a divine appointment! Sidenote: Whit’s mentor is crazy (in love with Christ), shes definitely a little extreme!! She was just telling whitney how whenever a guy may hit on her, she presents the gospel. Whitney told me this earlier when we were shopping and we kinda laughed and shared how we weren’t bold enough. (haha, look at the next day, God is funny!) So while we were looking for people to talk to, we brought Monica’s idea up again and decided if somebody “hit” on us, we would talk to them about Jesus. FIVE SECONDS LATER, no joke, the guy mike made a comment to us. It took us off guard because it happened so quickly after talking about it and we kept walking, but quickly turned around to talk with Him. I dramatically saw his heart change throughout our conversation. He went from saying Jesus was Bob Marley to asking about assurance of salvation. The whole restaurant mocked us, it was awesome! We were the fragrance of death…and life (I hope).
God is so powerful. I am only His tool, I can do nothing else but submit and obey, allowing Him to use me. Why do I not step out and trust Him more? People were so surprised that two young girls would come talk to them about Jesus. God has given me such a platform, such a passion and I will be held accountable to all that I know and all that God has entrusted to me, including my age!
I really am not ashamed of the gospel, why don’t I share it more?
Well, that was REALLY long! But hey, I rarely write in this thing anyway! It helps me process to write things out, hopefully hearing what God is doing in my life will be an encouragement to anyone who reads this….may the love of Christ dwell in each of your hearts richly. : D
